So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
