The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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