Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
