Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Randomize
