I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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