Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
