I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
