I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
