Plan B is the new Plan A
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
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