his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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