I want to make a zoo with you.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
