Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
