Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
