matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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