I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
