yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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