woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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