I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
