Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
