So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
