one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
