My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
