Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
