My balls are so social today.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
