so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
