You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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