I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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