We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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