ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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