I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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