I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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