going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
