i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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