and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
