Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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