It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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