Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
