The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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