wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
