I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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