I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize