I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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