Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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