Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
