pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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