We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
they're like a gay fantastic four
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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