One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
