Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize