Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
