I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
