I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize