About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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