dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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