If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
