ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
