just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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