You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You pole danced in your parka.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
