my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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