i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
where does the pee come out of this thing
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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