I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
