i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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