your parents love me but you hate me
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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