did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
